This aint me!
Who are you? Even before I could answer there came another one. Have you been in this compound? I was still hesitant trying to give a comprehensive answer for the two questions. I had suffered loyalty and perfection in my upbringing and after seeing his sturn eyes I couldn’t maintain the eye contact. I am Marcel of form 3.I finally managed.
Okay Marcel, Why don’t you play basketball? At this point I was afraid of answering because my belief in honesty was going to expose someone’s bad talk. I then remembered that it was not a good thing to snitch on people especially those who could not hide their ego. I then told him that I just don’t play. He then tells me that I have to report for training that evening.
I find it hard to refuse but again do I have a choice? I quickly say Yes and a faint thank you. I leave disturbed for it was going to be my very first time playing for a team. I knew I could throw the hoops and jump to get the rebound in a game of scratch just to sweat.
I feel like I want to share this information with someone I know and trust then I just realize that the only persons I trust can not picture me in a basketball team. I am too soft and I just love books with some small grapevine. The furthest I can go is admire a girl to my friends, this must be weired. I decide to sit on it.
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It is 5.13 pm and I am lying flat on the ground with my chin on the floor. He is coming and he is very furious. ‘lift your body up!’ he shouts. I try but I can’t move an inch. I then feel a stroke land on my butt. He says am going to receive the strokes till I am able to make a complete push up. He must have been hard on me but again who can’t do a push up at sixteen. I was just too lazy, too lazy to open up to a girl.
He continues with his caning and I am still flat on the ground, everyone in the team is annoyed and they say I am wasting their time. I then find the strength to lift up. I feel bad for having been so weak even to the youngest and smallest in the team. He is so dissapointed and guilty too. He tells the rest to continue and asks me to follow him to the Staff room. This is the first time my sense wake, I have drawn so much attention arround me. For the first time the court is surrounded by spectators like there is some real competition. I feel embarassed and I almost pee on my shorts. At that moment I had won the trophy of the weakest student if it all it existed and may be he was going to award me that in the staff room.
We get into the staff room. Thank God this time it is not packed and we are only the two of us. ‘Are you okay?’ I remain silent. Young man what could be your problem? I still remain silent. He drops the rubber pipe he had used to cane me before and come closer to me and hold my shoulders while facing me. I find some strength to tell him that I am okay. Are sure? He asks again and this time I can note relief in his voice, I must have gotten him worried.
Where do you live? He asks and continues to interrogate me further into my childhood.
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I have never tried anything sports or fitness except playing for fun coz even as a kid I used to score goals only when playing with my bro in our compound. Push ups and other exercises were
punishment in primary school where I had always been loyal and obedient enough to evade punishments. My main focus was reading and doing good in exams, something instilled in me by my parents, teachers and the parish priests I ever interacted with. I was totally naive when it came to physical activities and my mum would even prefer my brother when it came to certain house chores. For her my strength was in academics.
That was just how I made it easy for him by opening up and telling my background. After him learning of it, he asked me to accompaning the team for evening practise and also to make a friendship with Nick. I could not imagine it. Nick was like a celebrity, he was the talent guy everyone looked upto. I was the meek one. I was shy to showcase even what I had. I think I had despiced my abilities.
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It’s 10.13 pm, I have just gotten into my bed after class. I here someone ask where I am. It is a crowd coming towards my bed. I bold up and this time I am prepared for war. I get out of my bed and stand up. I am able to see anyone coming down through the hall way. It is Nick and his wannabe friends. They are streaming in full of energy and they really want to meet the dissapointment they had encountered in practise. I try to calm my anxiety as they first approach. ‘Niaje?’ Nick greets me and then the rest follow. Niko poa, I answer and await their next speech. We have come to welcome you to the team and ask you to feel free and you must man up. Btw way they trained in the dormitory every night before sleep to keep fit and tone their muscles. After his speech I asked if I could join them in the training at night and Nick said yes. Whose approval did I need again?
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We were now a team and everyone was getting to know their competition as the slots were limited. I was standing out at any trial. I was always two positions in offer and the team always wanted my prresence. Nick was content that I could lead the team in his absence and immediately proposed to our coach to make me captain or an assistant. I was not ready for any of these but again I could not evade it. Everything was just well placed to see me steer the team though I had very little knowledge and experience of the game. It must have been my work ethic and determination to disaprove anyone who laughed at me when I could not push up.
Through it I now got the confidence to compete and top in class and to everyones surprise I get to lead my class in a joint Chemistry exam. I still find it hard to believe that reality. I was now a force to look at. Call me all an all round student.
College
I had finished highschool with a letter of admission to school of accountancy. I did not want that admission, I only participated in the process coz my index number fell within that range. For the second time I felt like I was chosen, who got an admission to college without his final results? Things were working out just too good. This was too much on my plate.
I wanted to be at home and be lazy to a point I could add wait. All I wanted was the longest get away from hustle, books training and anything. I just wanted to wake up late eat, sleep and repeat. To my surprise dad had just relocated home (up country) for his retirement. I got to our house to be welcomed by a note that demanded my presence home. I could not take it, I quickly looked into my savings and decided to go out for the leavers party that was in town.This would be the first I was ever going to take harder drinks without the fear of being questioned.
The following morning after my night out I woke up and headed straight home. I had never stayed at home more than a week. This was going to be my home for the longest time. I could not imagine a secluded life with no friends, the environment would not allow me to lazy arround like I would have wished. There wasn’t a club, I then decided to float the Idea of school of accountancy just to see if it would set me free from this indefinate stay. To my surprise paps gladly welcomed this Idea and from this point I realised the taste of freedom. I was only going to be accountable for two months before I could be allowed freedom to stay alone in college. I was so happy and even became so obedient to work in mum’s farm just to appreciate them for the offer.
I got admitted at Accounting school, I was so loyal and attended all lessons eager to learn. I was so focused and the culture shock of learning in a primier college distorted my personality. I had been used to recogonition back in school. Here it was the children of those who mattered in the city. By the way coming to college was the first time I ever got to the city. I struggled to fit in but I again became so quiet till this one day when Mr. Boyd threw my assignment in the trash bin for having submitted it late. He even bashed me infront of the class. The naive me did not know how powerful boyd was. I reluctantly told him okay when he told me that he would not take my work. This response got his bile boiling and he immediately started interrogating me and insisted on meeting my father the next day in the morning. I again intercepted his request with a crude response. I told him my dad was in the countryside and he could not afford a flight to Nairobi for a breakfast meeting. Boyd now knew so well that I had a problem. He then asked me if I was on drugs and again I answered him in a way that everybody laughed out loud. I told him I was on chloroquin for malaria and paracetamol for headache. This was true anyway.
Boyd thereafter was on my case in every lesson. Through it I gained so much. I acquired good principles and I became very responsible. I enjoyed working and taking up challenges and to ice the cake, I passed all my part one accounting papers.
In another college life, my strugle to fit in led me to being a party animal. I wanted to be cool and I took the initative to bring life to the boys every friday. I always had a plan for the weekend. I organized house parties at my uncle’s, looked for invites to inter campus events. I became a top performer here too.
My new achievement was slowly leading me to a situation I would struggle with the longest.Seven years of twenty five aint little. I found myself a lover of drugs and loved being identified as the rude boy. I was dying to be the coolest thug in the block. My basketball skills and passion for the game gave me an elevation. I was already looking so cool with the game, My inner demands wanted more and I got an answer when I met a TV series cast who would later introduce me to weed smoking. Awwww I loved it! Call it easy sex, being the thug, being feared and all sorts of college fame. I had arrived in heaven, someone should have locked me up in that world.
I soon found it hard to reason normally and laziness ruled my days. I only got active on the court playing basketball. Anything that demanded mental attention became mystry. I got boared in class and most of the time did not see the need to attend lectures or even rudly walked out when the lecturer would not give me my side. All still was fun as I looked like a hero.
Soon I would graduate into a peddler and I drew demand network for G bags from my cool inter campus crew. This job paid me damn good for college. I for the first time felt that I had wasted time schooling. I always had the money for my boys and could even organize for them an orgy. I hosted upcoming artists and pushed my way into night clubs to plan for them gigz so that they would atleast get some airtime in the hood. I was what would have been any black american dream back in the days when Tupac, Jay Z and other black rappers struggled. I still did not understand where this passion for the streets came from but I know I did it.
I would soon get lucky again to be voted to the Student’s Union to chair entertainment and sports. I had a skewed identity to sports but I am very much grateful for the support I got from my assistant. We came up with a recording lable which would now adopt new talent as deejays, rappers and graphic designers. I am proud to mention that one of our rappers is now hitting in the industry and is featured by reknown rappers.
Soon I would graduate from college and fall into family demands to move back home. This is when I realised how far away I had been from myself. I am the last born at home and nobody will listen to me. None would imagine me taking bold steps without mama watching by the side. I always received commands, suggestions and everything was always told to me to do or respond to. Back in college I had grown to be the kingpin, the commander. I quickly get boared up living in dependence. I pick up and try basketball which bares no fruit. I then start thinking of running gigz in clubs but I hadly know anyone. I then land a job in sales. My college life and orientation hardly accommodate this. I find it so hard to cope and I am always on the spot. I am not hitting targets and not because I can not sell but the environment. I am doing what I don’t like anymore, being loyal and humble to older women who hardly understand my vibe. To them I am boastful and a city kid who can not penetrate the villege. To some point it is true since my pride alone won’t let me do a product demonstration. I can only answer questions scientifically, something which these women don’t understand. I get lucky to land another sales job with better pay. This one atleast comes with an option of office interraction and B2B model where I can sell through partners. My ego is now fed with it’s best meal and I feel a bit contented. The only mistake is that I am taken deeper to the countryside and I have to do demos again, I have to train people and run through an entire region. I will be missing my weed sessions. I play cool for the Job for four months and I do a commendable job of opening up thirteen units across the region, which had initially been abandoned, I manage to recriut a team to suport with service delivery too. I am now bound to confirmation and I feel contented for the position as a regional manager or a deputy (If the region was bigger than I thought). To my dissapointment I get no confirmation and the team I recruited are now on the same pay scale as me. I harshly disagree to this and get to resign over and hangover in the morning after a heavy night’s drink.
From this point I now start to know myself. I have always been very spiritual and that is why my passion for weed almost changed my religious beliefs. Later study on numerology and astrology would reveal that I would make a good priest of a practioner in ocult. I from this point start reflecting on my childhood and remember my grandma’s wish that I become a catholic priest. She must had seen it her way but most of my strengths too draw to that direction. I have been loyal and to date I am still very loyal to anything I get passionate about.
I still don’t believe that I can never thrive by trying to be at the middle but I am always at the top or the bottom.
I am not ordinary, just give me a chance.
